


Your Mess Is Mine

by EscapingReality51



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron supports him, Hurt/Comfort, Liv is cute, M/M, References to Depression, Robert gets his shit together, Slow Burn, the baby isn't Robert's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 23:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12641181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingReality51/pseuds/EscapingReality51
Summary: Robert loses everything after an accident, and Aaron supports him through it.





	Your Mess Is Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Mess Is Mine by Vance Joy

The constant hum of machines in the background has filled Aaron’s head for days. He has stopped trying to figure out what each of them do, has stopped trying to understand the nurses and doctors when they come in and check and instead has found a comfort in their regular beeping, their near-rhythmic fluctuations, all of which let Aaron know that Robert’s still here; he’s still fighting. 

He’s splayed out on the hospital bed, eyes closed and chest rising and falling too slowly for consciousness, his right leg in a cast and propped up on several pillows. His hair is more ruffled than he would appreciate if awake, his blond stubble just visible on his chin, and he has been lying there quietly for two days now, with no sign of waking. 

So Aaron keeps sitting, occupying the chair in the corner of the room with small breaks to visit the bathroom, or to go home and shower. When he isn’t there Vic is, or he wouldn’t leave. He wants to know what when Robert wakes up - _ if, _ he thinks glumly, forcing the thought down before it finds purchase amongst his worry and despair - someone will be there, someone who loves him.

Because he does. He loves Robert even now, even after the mess he had so carefully wrought from his own self-loathing blew up in his face, left him bleeding on the side of the road where Cain found him, bloodied and fighting to stay awake. He loves Robert for his peaceful features and his bruised face, at once too big a contradiction to comprehend but it’s Robert. Aaron loves him more with each steady breath he takes, each sign that he is still there, somewhere, that Aaron still has a chance to get his husband back. 

_ Husband. _ He absentmindedly touches his bare finger, grazes over the spot where his wedding ring used to be, and his mind inevitably wonders where it is, whether Robert has saved it from him in the drawer of his nightstand, or has kept it closer, somehow. 

Aaron looks up and finds the matching ring on Robert’s hand, on the same hand as the doctors have put a plastic clamp to measure something Aaron can’t remember, and his heart aches. He doesn’t know what he wants but it isn’t this, never this. Robert deserves to smile, to laugh, to  _ live, _ more than anyone Aaron has ever known. 

“Alright?” 

Aaron turns his head to find Vic standing in the doorway, two cups of coffee in her hands. She gives one to Aaron and he immediately wraps his numbing hands around it, numb from sitting quietly, doing nothing for too long.

“Thanks,” he mumbles. It is bitter on his tongue but he drinks it happily, grateful for a break from his own thoughts. “How’re you holding up?”

She shrugs and he can see she is trying not to cry. They both are he realises, but maybe after crying for two days straight he doesn’t have the energy for it anymore. 

“How’s he doing?” she risks the first glance at Robert, takes in his still form, and takes a deep breath. 

“No change,” Aaron says with a sigh. “The doctors came in earlier, said he was doing well. Now all he needs to do is wake up.” 

The silence that follows is filled with unspoken questions that neither of them want to voice; Aaron doesn’t want to know the answers. 

She places her cup on a table and sits down next to Aaron, body falling heavily into the chair. She looks exhausted and Aaron can’t blame her - he doesn’t want to know what he looks like. 

“How’s Liv?” he almost whispers, as though his words could disturb Robert.

“She’s sad, but your mum’s doing a good job of taking care of her.” 

Aaron looks over at Robert again, lets out a sigh. “I can’t not be here, Vic.” 

“I know.” Her reply is short, is spoken without hesitation. “I’m glad you’re here. Liv is too.” 

His breath is shaky. The room is suffocating, leaches the little hope he has out of his body as the machines whir and beep because he shouldn’t be here, they shouldn’t be here.

“I don’t know what I’ll do, Vic -” he begins but he can’t finish the sentence. Instead, he places his head in his hands to stifle a sob. Vic’s hand is warm on his knee, a small squeeze and she doesn’t move it. It’s a small reassurance but it gives him what he needs to calm down, take a few deep breaths and wipe away his tears. Robert needs him to be strong now and Aaron can’t let him down. 

“Don’t think about it,” she says quietly but Aaron can hear the restraint in her voice. 

“I still love him, Vic, and I never got to tell him.” 

She puts her arm around him now and he leans his head against hers. 

“You’ll get to tell him, I know you will.” 

She leaves not long after - she has to keep Diane updated and with Moira and Isaac at the farm he knows she has more than enough to deal with. So Aaron sits alone, staring at the floor or Robert, the steady hum of devices keeping Robert alive filling his mind.

He gets up, walks around to stretch his aching legs. He shuffles through a magazine Liv brought him yesterday, the words and pictures nothing more than symbols on a page. He knots his hands together and taps his leg with nervous energy and all the while each second that ticks by is a second Robert isn’t awake, is a second closer to him never waking. 

With a deep breath Aaron walks over to the bed, looks down at Robert’s sleeping form. His breathing is still even and calm, and he is breathing on his own which the doctors say is a good sign. Aaron gingerly places his hand on Robert’s, and it’s still warm, still soft and still so achingly familiar yet devoid of life. It holds none of the tenderness Robert’s hands did, none of their gentleness and caring. 

He pulls over a nearby chair and sits down, and he intertwines their fingers almost from habit. It was a gesture they grew into, something they never did in public but saved for when they were at home, when they were lying on the sofa, bodies pressed against each other watching a movie, when they were in bed, sweaty and sated and Aaron can’t remember the last time he did this - it’s something that makes Aaron’s heart break with the thought of never feeling Robert’s warm fingers between his own.  

“I’m so sorry, Robert.” he whispers. The doctors said some people can hear what is spoken to them while they recover but Aaron doesn’t believe it. But he has spoken now and he doesn’t want to stop. “I should’ve been there, I know I’ve been staying away for a reason but I should’ve been there for you.” 

The silence that follows is broken only by Aaron’s sniffs, his attempts to keep his calm. He lifts Robert’s hand and presses it to his cheek, kisses it quickly. 

“Please wake up, Rob. I can’t do this without you… I don’t know what I’m doing with my life if you’re not there. I’ve been sorting myself out but you were always in the back of my mind, I couldn’t forget you.” Robert’s hand is warm against his skin and he can almost pretend things are what they used to be. “Liv’s so worried about you, Mum was here with her yesterday. You can’t leave us -” he stops with a sob, feels his cheeks and Robert’s hand go wet with tears. He bows his head down and cries, small shakes of his shoulders while Robert’s hand is still grasped in his, a tether to a life he almost had and wants back with every fibre of his being. 

His cheeks are dry by the time he lifts his head, looks around at the still sleeping Robert with a knot in his stomach and an ache in his chest. It’s a small shift in his fingers, a gentle rustling of the sheet that makes Aaron look more closely. 

Robert’s head movies once, twice, small shifts that could almost have been nothing before he takes a deeper breath and starts coughing. “Water,” he croaks, voice hoarse from dehydration and disuse. 

Aaron’s up and out of his seat before he thinks, grabbing a glass of water and a straw. Robert’s eyes are open now but Aaron walks up to the bed, holding the glass and helping Robert take his first few sips. 

Their eyes meet and Robert’s face is unreadable. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

“Let me go and get a doctor,” Aaron starts and Robert nods, eyes downcast. 

They do checks, they look at various gadgets while Aaron calls Vic. After 30 minutes the doctor pronounces that Robert seems to have no lasting injuries from the crash and that even though he needs monitoring for a few days, he should be just fine. Aaron lets out a sigh of relief but Robert looks no different. 

The doctors leave and Aaron risks a smile at Robert. 

His eyes are bloodshot and tired, the bruise on his cheek a vivid purple and the cut on his lip looks painful. He is lying back and staring at the ceiling, casts no glance at Aaron and doesn’t speak. 

“How’re you feeling?” 

Robert looks over at Aaron for a split second before looking back and shrugging. 

“Tired… like I’ve been hit by a car,” he jokes. Aaron doesn’t laugh. The memory of seeing Robert strapped to a gurney, bleeding and fighting to stay awake is seared into his brain, too painful to forget. Aaron stands by the wall, arms crossed over his chest while he tries to think of anything to say. Robert, however, catches him off guard. “What’re you doing here Aaron?” 

His eyes are staring right at him now, haggard and small but still that striking green/blue colour that reminds Aaron of the sky before a storm; calm and about to pull your world apart. 

“I’m here for you Robert.” 

He looks away, chin wobbling. 

“You shouldn’t be, not after -” 

“I don’t care.” Aaron’s voice is certain in a way it hasn’t been in months. “I don’t want to be anywhere else.” 

He sees a tear trickle down the side of Robert’s face, wants to reach out and wipe it away more than anything. “I messed it all up, I ruined  _ everything _ …” 

Aaron walks over, sure feet drawing him closer to his almost certain future. Robert doesn’t catch Aaron’s eye for shame, stares up at the ceiling and only looks over when Aaron places a hand on his. His eyes are wet with unshed tears and Aaron strokes soothing circles onto Robert’s palm. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers but Robert shakes his head. 

“It can’t be -”

“Tough… because it is.” 

Robert doesn’t cry - Aaron doesn’t ever remember seeing him cry but now it floods out of him, shoulders shaking with wracking sobs. Aaron acts on instinct, takes off his shoes and pushes gently at Robert’s side until he gets the idea and moves far enough that Aaron can lie down next to him, wrap his arms around him and pull his head to his chest. 

 

Vic arrives the next day with food under her arm and news that makes Aaron’s heart heavy. Robert’s asleep when she gets there and considering what she has to say it might be best.

“The police found Lachlan with the knife used to murder Lawrence. They are charging him with attempted murder of Robert as well. Rebecca left with Sebastian after throwing a fit in the pub, talking about how the baby isn’t Robert’s… Chas was furious with her and ended up throwing her out. Most of the Dingles got up in arms when she went on about how he was ignorant enough to never question her. She’s taken the fund he made for Sebastian with her as well.” 

Aaron lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, tries to contain his anger and not run out of here and unleash it all on the people who have hurt him. His fists clench at his sides but he knows it won’t help, not really. It’s who he used to be but he has someone who needs him more, he has to clean up the mess they have left behind and so he stays put. 

“How are we going to tell him?” Aaron indicates to the closed door behind him and to Robert’s peaceful sleeping form on the bed. 

Vic takes a shaky breath. 

“I don’t know… if I’d known I would’ve done something -” she is cut off by Aaron putting a hand on her shoulder. 

“You didn’t know… we just need to make sure he’s alright, yeah?” 

Vic looks up at him with brown eyes so different in colour from Robert’s and yet they hold the same strength, the same contour and shape and the same vulnerability. He pulls her in, wraps his arms around her and feels her clutch at his jumper. 

Robert’s awake when they get in, barely. His eyes are small and his voice is hoarse but he smiles at the sight of food that isn’t from the hospital. It’s a smile that doesn’t crinkle his eyes or bring a spark to them like it might have before - it’s empty, perfunctory, cold. 

“Chicken soup,” Vic says without noticing that Robert isn’t really listening. 

“Looks great, thanks.” 

Robert takes the first sip before glancing between the two of them and setting the spoon down. 

“What?” 

With a glance to Aaron Vic clears her throat, walks over to the bed and takes his hand. 

“Lachlan was driving.” She pauses and lets it sink in - his eyes grow wide and his mouth falls open. “He killed Lawrence and then came looking for you. When he saw you on the side of the road, he went for it. The police have him in custody, so you don’t have anything to worry about…” 

“Why?” Robert manages, eyes moving between Vic and Aaron. 

“He found out about you… buying out Home Farm from underneath their noses, flew off at Lawrence for not preventing it and then went and found you.” 

He nods, once, twice. Aaron’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth, his mind is blank. 

“I only got what I deserved then…” Robert mutters and Vic glances at Aaron, confusion etched on her face. 

“I don’t think you deserve this Rob - a broken leg, a bent rib and cuts and bruises… you were so lucky, I -” She stops, and regroups. “Rebecca’s left.” 

“Good,” is all Robert says, tears now welling in his eyes. 

“She told everyone the baby isn’t yours… she said she was tricking you the entire time, for your money, for revenge… I just can’t believe it.” 

“I can.” 

Aaron can see Robert’s jaw clench and unclench, can see his mind working and wishes he could tell what he’s thinking. Then it hits him. 

“You knew the baby wasn’t yours?” Aaron all but whispers. 

Robert meets his eye and a solitary tear streaks down his cheek. 

“Yes,” he says, holding Aaron’s gaze.

“How long have you known?” Vic exclaims, incredulous.

“About a week, I guess… Found out our bloodtypes didn’t match and when I confronted her she told me I was right.” 

“And you didn’t say?” He’s not angry but it explains a lot. “Wait, you own Home Farm now?” 

Robert shrugs. 

“I guess I do…”

Tears are still falling down his face and Vic holds his hand as he wipes them away, expression stoic and withdrawn. Aaron is rooted to the floor, one sentence echoing in his mind.  _ The baby isn’t yours... _

The baby isn’t Robert’s. 

Aaron finds a seat and takes it, breathing deeply. Rebecca was lying? Aaron looks up at Robert, takes in his tear-stricken face and can almost feel his heart breaking. 

“I’m so sorry, Robert…” 

Robert swallows hard, wipes his face with his sleeve, and nods.  

 

“Mr Sugden, I think it might be possible to discharge you from hospital later today.” The doctor is smiling but Robert isn’t. He hasn’t really since he woke up and Aaron can’t remember the last time he saw Robert smile - it has to be months ago. 

“Thanks, Dr Patel.”

“You’ll need someone to look after you for a while, you’ll be sore for a few weeks.” Dr Patel looks at Vic who nods. Aaron’s gut clenches -  _ it should be me the doctor looks to  _ \- but says nothing, bites his tongue. He has lost the privilege of being Robert’s next of kin but…  _ but _ he wants it back.

“We’ll have someone looking out for him, definitely.” 

“Good,” the doctor says with a nod. “I’ll see about the discharge papers and be back in a few hours.” 

Robert is quiet, has his hands folded over his bound torso. A bent rib and a few scrapes and bruises are the only visible contusions but looking at him you would guess something much worse is wrong. His eyes are blank, his expression sullen, and Aaron doesn’t know what to do to make it go away. 

“Right,” Vic says, her tone going hard to prevent discussion. “You’ll be coming home with me then. Your room’s still ready for you and I know you’ll want some rest. Adam’s there to help look after you as well, yeah?” 

Robert nods. 

“I’ll help.” 

Robert’s head shoots up to look at Aaron. Vic nods with a knowing smile on her face. 

“Sounds good - Adam and I will need to work so we’ll work out a schedule, alright?” 

Aaron nods in Vic’s direction but his eyes don’t look away from Robert’s open mouth, his surprised expression. 

Vic bends down and kisses Robert’s cheek in an uncommon show of affection that Robert doesn’t seem to completely dislike. “I need to get to work - I’ll leave you two to it.” With that and a small wave at Robert, she leaves. 

“Don’t you have work or something?”

Aaron sits down in a chair next to the bed, rests his elbows on his knees. 

“Adam’s covering for me.” Robert nods once, eyes fixed on his hands. “You know you can talk to me, right?” 

That makes Robert look up, his beautiful eyes terrified of what they see. Aaron places a hand over Robert’s and sees the resulting shaky intake of breath. 

“Don’t know what I would say.”

“Well,” Aaron begins, stroking soothing circles onto Robert’s skin, “you could talk about what’s going on in that head of yours.” 

“Why do you care?” he bites, hard and vicious. 

“Why do you think?” 

Robert sighs.

“I don’t know, I can’t figure out why you’re here - I’m a mess, I’ve done nothing but mess this all up and I don’t know what you’re doing. You said you were done with me, I can’t do this again…” It’s seeping out of him now, emotions bubbling to the surface and threatening to explode, but Aaron intertwines their fingers again, shifts closer to him. 

“I’m here because I care,” Aaron says. 

“You shouldn’t.” 

“Not your choice to make, is it.” 

Robert chuckles at that, small but enough to light up his face for a split second. Aaron can already feel himself melting but he doesn’t care; it’s the best sight he has seen in weeks. 

Robert meets his eye, bold and unwavering and with tears falling quietly down his cheeks. 

“We’ll get through this, okay?” Aaron whispers, hope in his voice that he doesn’t feel in his chest.

Robert nods and Aaron squeezes his hand. 

 

“Vic?” 

The pub is practically empty so Aaron lets himself through to the back and into the kitchen. Finding it empty, he goes through to the back room. 

“In here,” Vic says. She’s talking to Chas about a delivery but Chas stops when she sees her son. 

“You alright, love?” 

Aaron doesn’t answer, knows that the answer to that question is dependent on the answer he gets from this one. 

“Vic, I was thinking… what if Robert stays in the Mill for his recovery.” 

Chas’s mouth drops open and Vic’s turns into a grin. He knows what they are both thinking, what they think of all of it, but he doesn’t care. He wants his husband home and he can’t not ask. 

“You sure about this?” Vic asks. “Because he can’t go through losing you again, you didn’t see him the last time..”

“He’s not going to lose me. He never did.” It’s been there every day they were apart, the constant ache in his belly, the want in his fingertips and the love in his heart. Robert never lost him, he was just temporarily displaced. “I’m better now and he needs me.” His voice breaks at the end of it but he doesn’t give up. “I’m not going anywhere, Vic.” 

Chas is smiling slightly. Vic has her hands on her hips, a stern look on her face that Aaron knows means that she’ll be keeping an eye on him every step of the way. Keeping an eye on Robert. As she should be.

“Alright, I’ll agree to that.” 

“I’ll still need your help looking after him, if that’s okay.” 

She smiles. 

“Yeah, it is.” 

“Mum, could you go over and help get the Mill ready? He probably can’t make it up the stairs so he’ll need some clothes and stuff…” 

“Course, love.” Chas gets up and walks over to him, places her hand on his cheek. “I’ll get Liv to help too, yeah?” 

Aaron nods. 

“Vic, want to help me get him home?” 

 

Getting him into the wheelchair with his injuries is a bit of a fight but Robert helps as best he can, doesn’t complain, and smiles gratefully at the nurses and doctor. No flirting, no snark, no spark, just a thank you and a smile.

“Right Mr Sugden, these are your painkillers, they’re quite strong so take them with food if you can. Call us if you experience any pain out of the ordinary and we’ll have you in for a check-up, alright?” 

All three of them nod. 

“Take care of yourself, alright?” 

“Thanks, Doctor.” 

They wheel him out and bring him to Aaron’s car. Aaron can see Robert’s surprise but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t comment on it. 

On the drive back there is very little talk until they drive right past Keeper’s. 

“Vic, aren’t I staying with you?” he asks.

“Change of plans,” she says with a grin. 

Aaron pulls into the Mill, parks the car as close to the entrance as possible. 

“Thought maybe you could stay here instead.” 

Robert’s eyes are wide with incredulity, he looks between Vic and Aaron and shakes his head. 

“What -” he begins but Aaron cuts him off. 

“The sofa’s ready for you, we’re still going to take turns looking after you but… thought you might want to be home.” 

The word catches Robert unawares, makes him swallow hard and glance nervously at Aaron. As if he doesn’t have a home anymore, as if he feels like he shouldn’t be here. He nods when he sees Aaron smiling. 

They get him inside without much difficulty with one arm over Aaron’s shoulder and Robert supported by a crutch. They lay him on the sofa that has been propped up with pillows and a few blankets. Aaron recognises that one woolen blanket Robert insisted on buying because of the high quality wool and silently thanks Liv for her attention to detail. When Robert’s leg has been placed carefully on the coffee table with plenty of support, Robert thanks them both and then goes quiet. Vic stays for a while and tries to keep up some semblance of conversation but after not too long she leaves. 

“What am I doing here, Aaron?” 

Aaron sits in the armchair and looks over at him. 

“You got hit by a car Robert. You need a place to stay while you get better.” 

“You know what I mean,” he counters. 

“You here because I wanted to take care of you, because I want to make sure you’re alright.” 

Robert takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I just… I thought we were done and you’re confusing me…” 

“Do you want us to be done?” Aaron asks.

“No,” Robert blurts out. “I want you, I want us…” 

“I miss you, Robert.” Aaron states. “I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve helped you when I could see you were struggling. I want to be here now. I can tell that you’re hurting and I can’t let you go through it alone...” 

Robert has his arms crossed over his chest as if to hold himself together, his eyes are red and his breathing is shaky. “I don’t deserve you, Aaron, you should stay away.”

Aaron moves to the sofa, sits down in front of it and puts a hand on Robert’s arm. His bent rib means Aaron is very careful but Robert flinches anyway, tries to move away from the comforting touch.

“I want messed up with you, alright?” 

“I can’t, Aaron I -” Robert covers his face with one hand and clenches the other. “I can’t stop crying…” 

Sorrow unfurls in Aaron’s chest, seeps through his veins and floods his body. He has never seen Robert like this before. He wraps his arms around him, pulls him in carefully until Robert is resting his forehead on Aaron’s chest and quietly sobbing into his body. Aaron absorbs the shocks that wrack through him, takes all the pain he can carry and doesn’t let go. 

“I’ve got nothing left,” Robert mutters in between deep breaths. It hurts, digs into his chest and is amplified by the love that has resurfaced, the aching for the man he holds in his arms. 

“You have me.” 

The sobs subside and Aaron holds onto him just a bit longer than he should. 

Aaron makes them each a cup of tea, sits back down next to Robert and catches his eye. He looks exhausted, eyes red and puffy, skin pale, and Aaron suggests he takes a nap. The only reply he gets is a curt shake of the head. 

“So…” he continues, “you own Home Farm now?” 

Robert runs a finger over the rim of his cup of steaming tea, builder’s with a dash of milk, and nods once. 

“All your scheming and planning paid off?” 

Another nod. Robert swallows before speaking. “I thought it would make me happy, revenge, getting back at them, but I just… I feel hollow. It doesn’t matter to me. Not like -” he looks into Aaron’s eyes and stops talking. “Rebecca found out and had her own revenge.”

“So Sebastian isn’t yours?” 

Robert takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “Never could be apparently.” He gives a small smile that breaks Aaron’s heart and hangs his head dejectedly. “I ruined everything, I’ve done things that should make you hate me, and yet here you are… You should leave me be, Aaron, I’m not good for you.” 

“I’m not leaving Robert. You’re not pushing me away.”

Robert looks at him and suddenly all his self-loathing is on display - he looks bitter, angry, disgusted. Aaron puts a hand over his and doesn’t move it. 

“Talk to me, tell me what happened.” 

So he does. Aaron’s hand doesn’t move throughout.

 

He is asleep now, head resting on the back of the sofa, arms tucked under a blanket and Aaron can’t do anything but look at him. He is peaceful in sleep, small noises escaping him with each inhale and exhale, noises that take Aaron back to before all of this mess started, before they were ripped apart. Memories of waking up with Robert’s arm draped over him, small snores against his neck and heat emanating from Robert’s naked body are hard to shake off, memories of listening to Robert’s heartbeat while he sleeps are as close to peace Aaron has ever had. 

His face removes another aspect of the past few days - he looks almost happy, no frowns or withdrawn expressions marring his features. He is Robert as Aaron remembers him, a Robert that could wake up and smile at him any moment. Awake he looks broken but asleep he looks like the man Aaron fell in love with. 

The door opens and Aaron’s head shoots up to see Liv tentatively stick her head through the door. Aaron gets up and walks over to her.

“How is he?” she asks, voice low so as not to wake him. 

Aaron shrugs. “I honestly don’t know… he’s not good, Liv.” 

She looks over his shoulder at his sleeping form. “Wouldn’t surprise me with what Rebecca did to him… I’m glad he’s here.” 

Aaron smiles at her, flooded with happiness at her generosity. “I know he’s not your favourite person but -” 

“You love him, I know.” Aaron bites his lip absentmindedly and she smiles. “D’you think he’ll want to watch a movie when he wakes up?” 

“Don’t know,” Aaron replies. 

“I’ll be upstairs, come and find me if he does, yeah?” 

“Yeah, I will do.” 

She quietly runs up the stairs and Aaron walks over to the sofa, sits down and takes out his phone. After a while Robert shifts in his sleep, head tilting unconsciously towards Aaron and before long he feels Robert’s head resting on his shoulder. He can’t help but smile. 

 

The next few days are spent with the two of them dancing around each other; Liv is hesitant to push him and Robert would rather be left alone. She tries to strike up conversation but Robert seems lost for words.

Vic comes over at least once a day to check on him, talk to him about how he is but he never answers truthfully, at least not as far as Aaron can see. He is careful, hesitant, asks for help only to get off the sofa to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t eat much despite Vic bringing food from the pub or Aaron making the only thing he can make: a bacon sarnie. 

The gravel crunches beneath his feet as he walks back towards the Mill, take-out in one hand and groceries in the other. Robert said he wasn’t hungry but with several injuries and painkillers  to take Aaron had decided that hungry or not Robert was eating. With that in mind, he left and bought Robert his favourite pizza. He was going to take care of Robert, whether he likes it or not, and that includes making him eat.

Before the key is even in the door he can hear muffled voices from the living room. When he gets in he sees Liv sitting next to him on the sofa, feet tucked under Robert’s blanket as they watch the first season of Brooklyn 99. She has made them each a hot chocolate and is cupping hers between her hands. Aaron’s guess is that there are marshmallows in there too. 

“You two alright?” 

Robert remains quiet, eyes staring blankly at the screen. Liv looks over and smiles. 

“I’m forcing him to watch with me, so I’m sure he hates it,” she quips.

“No, I don’t.” Robert’s reply is immediate. He takes a sip of his drink and smiles slightly. “What’ve you got there?” 

“Food. Thought a parma ham and rocket pizza might make you want to eat.” Robert almost smiles at this, his eyes almost have their spark back but then he looks back at the telly. Liv pauses the stream and frowns at him. “Yes, I got you a pepperoni with extra cheese.” 

“I’m not hungry,” Robert echoes from earlier but Aaron sets the boxes down in front of him anyway. 

“Thought you might say that but you have to eat.” Aaron sets about putting the groceries away whilst Liv gets them all glasses and water and after a few minutes they are all seated in front of the telly with their pizza, Liv next to Robert and Aaron in the chair. 

Aaron keeps an eye on him - Robert takes a first bite and chews slowly, eyes looking at the television but not registering any of the jokes that Liv is laughing at even on her fourth re-watch. He takes another bite and before long half the pizza is gone, as is the glass of water. Aaron pours Robert some more and he smiles at him as thanks. 

Liv is quick to eat her pizza and even quicker to run upstairs and leave them alone. Robert has been here for a few days now, and Aaron has helped him as much as he could, but Robert still isn’t himself. He is too careful with touching Aaron, too guarded with his emotions, too used to hiding who he is after doing it for so long. 

“How’s your rib feeling?” Aaron asks. 

Robert shrugs as best he can while seated and winces slightly at the motion. “Still hurts,” he admits. 

“Want anything?” Aaron asks, getting up to go to the kitchen. 

He doesn’t reply. Aaron takes a deep breath, makes them both a cup of tea. 

“Thanks.” 

They sit in silence for a while, neither knowing what to say or willing to break it. When Robert does, it is softly, gently, with even kinder words. 

“I wanted to thank you… for letting me stay here. I know it can’t be easy to see me all the time after everything -” he stops, lets out a small breath. “Thank you, Aaron.” 

“You’re welcome,” Aaron replies. 

“I have a room at Vic’s, I could go there soon if I’m a burden,” Robert begins but Aaron cuts him off with a laugh. 

“You’re not a burden, Robert. I want you here. I want you…” Steam rises from his cup and he sets it down to cool off before he continues. “I love you, Robert.” That breaks Robert’s cool, shatters it into oblivion as he stares at Aaron, open-mouthed and teary-eyed, every emotion bubbling to the surface. “I never stopped.”

Robert swallows, eyes darting around the room with a hint of panic. “Why?”

Aaron reaches out and finds Robert’s hand. He intertwines their fingers and gives them a squeeze. 

“Look, I know you’ve been through hell with all of this, but I’m not going anywhere. You’re hurting but we’ll get through it. I’ll help ya…” 

Robert’s eyes are spilling over now, a hint of their old spark back, a hint of the old Robert. 

“I love you more,” he manages, his voice heavy with emotion. “So much.” His hand is warm in Aaron’s, soft fingers gently intertwined with his and he squeezes back, rubs his thumb gently against Aaron’s skin. “I’m so sorry, Aaron.” 

Aaron moves and sits next to him on the sofa, pulls him in and presses a kiss to his forehead. “I know you are.” 

“I’ve lost so much, I don’t know what to do…” 

Aaron puts a hand in his hair, runs through it gently. “You have Home Farm,” Aaron points out and he shakes his head against Aaron’s chest. 

“Doesn’t matter,” he mutters. “But…” he starts, glancing up at Aaron and smiling. It’s big and it engulfs his features, crinkles his eyes and makes Aaron’s heart melt. “I have you?” he asks tentatively.

“Yeah,” Aaron manages, eyes falling down to Robert’s lips for a second. “You have me.” 

With that, Robert smiles widely, teeth showing and eyes crinkling. He rests his head on Aaron’s shoulder and lets out a contented sigh that makes Aaron smile too.

They stay like that for a while, Robert holding onto Aaron’s arm and resting his head on his shoulder, Aaron stroking soothing circles onto his palm. Before long Robert’s breathing eases, his hands go slack against his arm and Aaron just sits there, lets him rest. 

 

Whatever it is that wakes Aaron in the middle of the night is forgotten as soon as he opens his eyes to the dark room. The moon is shining through the window, casting an ethereal light over his bedroom floor. Aaron rolls over and checks the clock on his bedside table and groans when he sees 03:47 on the screen - it is too early for anyone to be waking up. He reaches over for his glass of water and finds it empty. Sighing, he gets up, shrugs on some tracksuit bottoms and heads downstairs.

The Mill is eerily quiet, small sounds of the house that are usually drowned out by the radio, or talking, or the television clear in the dead of night. The floorboard that creaks just above the staircase as Aaron steps on it, the gentle ringing of metal as he gingerly takes every step down. He can’t see Robert’s sleeping form for the back of the sofa and walks to the kitchen with as much care as possible to not wake him.

He gets to the sink and fills his glass, drinking it before he fills it again to bring upstairs. On his way back to the spiral staircase he hears a soft whine, a shuffle of the duvet, and finally a small sniffle. He pauses with a hand on the bannister. 

“Robert?” he whispers. 

After a pause and another sniffle, Robert replies: “Yeah?”

Aaron sets the glass down on the table and walks through the moonlit living room to the sofa. 

“You alright?”

A shuffle of the sheets and Aaron can vaguely see Robert lift his hand to his head. 

“Fine,” he mumbles. 

“Robert -” Aaron begins and Robert cuts him off.

“Just, go back up, yeah?” Robert pleads.

Aaron reaches over and switches the lamp on. Both Aaron and Robert squint at the sudden appearance of light, but as Aaron gets used to it he sees that Robert’s face is tear-stained, his cheeks are wet and his eyes are red. 

“Robert?” he asks, softer this time. 

Robert meets his eye, bold and vulnerable all at once. 

“What?” Robert replies. 

“Want to talk about it?” 

Robert uses his arms to move so his back rests against the armrest before he shrugs. “What is there to talk about?” 

“Robert, you’re crying at four in the morning in the dark… something must have brought this on.” 

Robert sighs.

“Nothing has… I just can’t seem to stop. It won’t stop,” he mutters, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his t-shirt. Aaron leans over and presses a kiss to his forehead, not caring that it is sticky with sweat and Robert hasn’t washed his hair in too many days. Aaron pulls away, smiles at him softly. 

“You’ll get through this…” Robert smiles back despite the tears and Aaron nods towards the television. “Want some company?”

They end up watching old Top Gear episodes, hands intertwined between them on the sofa, volume low so as to not wake Liv. They make it through two episodes before Robert yawns, shuffles back a bit to rest his head on the back of the sofa. They haven’t spoken in an hour when Robert speaks.

“Aaron… Could I have a number for a counsellor?” he asks. 

Aaron squeezes his hand and Robert squeezes back. 

“Yeah. We’ll figure this out.” 

“Yeah.” 

 

Robert starts working again, mostly paperwork on his computer while he is stuck on a sofa anyway. His leg is mending and the doctors remove his cast and replace it with a splint. They say he should start physiotherapy soon to make sure movement isn’t impaired while his leg is still healing. His mood is improving with his counselling sessions and Aaron has moments where he sees the old Robert shining through - he catches him on the phone to a difficult client and Aaron can’t help but smile. He’s getting there. They are getting there. 

The portacabin is tough work, and after a particularly long day, Aaron comes home to find Victoria packing a bags while Robert is on the phone. It makes his stomach drop and his hand freeze on the door handle.

“What’s going on here?” he asks, looking between Vic and Robert. 

Vic glances towards Robert and shrugs. “His idea, not mine.” At Aaron’s fallen face she adds: “Look, talk to him about it yeah? It’s not the worst thing in the world…” 

She grabs two bags and waits while Robert finishes the phone call. 

“I’ll go put these in Keeper’s and then come back and get you, yeah?” 

“Thanks, Vic.” Robert looks up at Aaron and smiles as if nothing is going on. “Long day?” he asks.

“Yeah, what’s… what’s going on Robert?” Aaron manages. He shrugs off his coat and hangs it up, any excuse to not look at Robert when he speaks. 

“I thought it might be a good idea for me to stay with Vic for a bit…” he says, eyes soft as they meet Aaron’s. “I need a room of my own, a place where I don’t feel like I’m intruding -”

“You’re not,” Aaron cuts him off quickly. 

“I know, but I think this is for the best.”

Aaron nods, puts on a smile to disguise the disappointment he feels knowing Robert won’t be there when he wakes up tomorrow. 

“Want some help getting there?” he asks and Robert smiles at him.

“Yeah, that would be good.” 

They manage together, Aaron supporting him while he uses his crutches and carrying the last of his things. Robert talks about the latest deal he has made for the business and Aaron nods in reply, only half listening because with each step he feels like he is losing something, letting Robert slip through his fingers. Robert wants it though, so Aaron can’t stop him. 

“I’ll see you soon, yeah? I still want to see you Aaron.” His expression is so happy, as if there is something Aaron hasn’t quite understood. Vic takes Robert’s jacket and laptop bag out of Aaron’s hands and smiles. “Lunch, tomorrow?” he asks. 

“Sure.” Aaron replies.

“Meet you at the pub? I think I’m getting a hang of these crutches.” Robert jokes and Aaron smiles. 

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.” 

He walks back to the Mill with his hands in his pockets, a frown on his face. The living room seems empty without Robert there, lifeless, just a collection of furniture and an excess of blankets and pillows. Aaron sighs and walks through to get a beer from the kitchen. 

Liv comes home after dinner with Gabby and looks equally surprised and angry to find the sofa unoccupied. 

“Alright?” she asks. 

Aaron doesn’t know how to answer. 

 

Robert spends Christmas with them at the Mill. Liv and Aaron spend Christmas Day at the Mill and end up inviting Robert over while Vic is up at Butler’s with Adam and Moira. He wears the hideous jumper from last year and Aaron can’t help but remember that day, how happy they were. Robert is all smiles and compliments to the chef (Vic has helped, of course), and after everything it feels right. When New Year’s Eve comes around they spend it together, Robert crashing on the sofa after one too many drinks and Aaron goes to bed with a smile on his face, knowing Robert will be downstairs when he wakes up. 

 

Robert gets the splint off in the middle of February. Aaron drives him to the hospital and Robert seems happier than he has been in months. His leg will be weak for a while, and he still has to go to physiotherapy, but the doctors predict a full recovery and Robert is thrilled. 

They drive back home in a comfortable silence, Robert tapping his fingers in rhythm to the songs on the radio, sometimes catching Aaron’s eye and grinning like an idiot. 

“Want to go for a coffee at Bob’s?” Robert asks as they enter the village. “Have something I need to talk to you about…” 

Aaron’s nerves spike before they make their order, hands fidgeting in his lap and his right leg bouncing to get rid of the nervous energy. They’ve been friends for a while, friends with a hint of possibility but, even though Aaron has no doubt of Robert’s affection, the difference between possibility and reality makes his stomach flutter. 

Their coffees arrive - one americano and a black coffee - and Robert leans forward, glances around the room before he speaks. 

“Thank you,” he says, voice filled with honesty. “You have helped me so much these past few months, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” 

Aaron lifts an eyebrow, curiosity taking over. 

“You alright, Robert?” With a keener glance he notices Robert’s tense shoulders, his nervous tapping on the arm rest. 

“Yeah,” he says, feigning ease as he leans back in the chair. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Aaron shrugs. “You’re welcome, about the help.” 

Robert smiles, big and broad and with a hint of secrecy in his eye that drives Aaron up the wall but also makes him melt. 

They talk about Liv, Chas, the business, Adam and Victoria, and just when Aaron thinks there’s nothing more to this, Robert gives him that look that Aaron remembers from  _ before _ . 

“Could you meet me at Home Farm on Monday, 2 o’clock?” he asks. 

Aaron bites his lip, knows exactly what Monday is - their wedding anniversary.

“Sure… why?” he asks. 

“You’ll see.” With that, Robert drains his coffee and leaves the café. 

 

Aaron walks up to Home Farm, memories flooding him with each step. Memories of Robert with Chrissie, of their week alone there, and more recent painful memories of Robert with Rebecca. He casts a glance over the lawn and sees nothing changed compared to when the Whites lived here. It is exactly what Robert always wanted, what he schemed and fought to win. A knot that has been growing for the past two days in Aaron’s stomach lurches at the sight of the prestigious buildings, the manicured lawn. 

The door to Home Farm is open and all Aaron has to do is press gently on it to push it open and walk through to the entrance hall. 

Robert is standing there, beers on the table and a smile on his face. 

“Wasn’t sure you’d come,” he says. 

“Said I would, didn’t I.” 

Robert nods, smiles at him again. He spreads his arms out and walks around the hall. 

“Well?” he asks.

Aaron sees his smile and his stomach falls. 

“Well what?” 

“What do you think?” Robert asks, walks over to stand closer to him. 

“About what?” Aaron replies.

“Oh come on, Aaron. About Home Farm.” 

Aaron shrugs, shoulders lifting slightly despite the tension in them. 

“Hadn’t thought about it…” he says honestly, and Robert frowns slightly. He moves towards the beers, takes one out for each of them and hands one to Aaron. 

“We are here,” he says with a flourish, “to celebrate.” 

Aaron doesn’t lift his beer to meet Robert’s. 

“Celebrate what?” he asks. 

“I’ve just sold this place.” Robert is grinning at him like an idiot, teeth showing and a hand on his hip. “Did it this morning. To one Tom Waterhouse who seemed particularly interested - so interested I managed to sell it for 5% more than it was estimated.” 

“You what?” Aaron’s incredulous, shocked. He knows his mouth is hanging open but he doesn’t care. 

“I sold Home Farm.” Robert repeats. He moves his beer and nudges it against Aaron’s. “Drink up!”

“Why would you do that?” Aaron asks. “Thought this was all you ever wanted…” 

Robert shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. 

“I’ve only ever wanted you.” That shuts Aaron up. “I thought after I lost you I could make the hole in my chest go away by trying to get this place. I’ve realised over the past three months that Home Farm doesn’t mean anything to me. The only thing that matters is you, us.” 

He sets his beer down on the table and takes Aaron’s yet untouched can out of his hands. He moves closer, closer than he has been in almost a year, close enough that Aaron can feel the heat emanate from him, feel Robert’s breath ghost across his skin.

“But… you moved out, you left the Mill -” Aaron begins but when Robert places a hand on his waist he stops talking. 

“I moved out because I needed to sort myself out, I needed to know who I was away from you so that when we decided to do this properly, I was sorted. I am sorted. My leg is healed and I’ve just made a load of money.” 

“I don’t care about the money,” Aaron intercedes and Robert chuckles. 

“I know… but I didn’t want Home Farm, never did. Not really. I only want you.” 

Aaron looks up into Robert’s blue-green eyes, dark and stormy and wreaking havoc in Aaron’s mind and then Aaron lets his gaze fall down to Robert’s lips.

“Yeah?” he asks. Later, he will hate himself for not coming up with a better response. Later, he will breathe it onto Robert’s skin, spell it out for him with soft kisses and breathy moans but now his mind is a mess, a cacophony of joy and incredulity as Robert puts his nose against Aaron’s, as Robert closes his eyes and breathes him in. 

“Yeah,” Robert whispers. With a smile, he leans in and presses his lips to Aaron’s. 

There is only Robert, mouth tasting vaguely of beer as he touches his tongue to Aaron’s, heat flooding his body when Robert pulls him closer, opens his mouth and curls his tongue around Aaron’s. Robert’s here and he is kissing him as if it were oxygen, as if he can’t live without it, and Aaron gives back in kind. There is nothing standing between them now, no Home Farm, no part of Aaron that believes Robert doesn’t want him, doesn’t want this. 

Aaron lets himself take it all in, revel in every touch and every taste of him until he is lightheaded. When they pull apart Robert’s chin is red from Aaron’s stubble and his eyes are shining in a way Aaron hasn’t seen since their wedding day. Robert takes Aaron’s hand in his, squeezes it gently, and indicates towards the door. 

“Want to leave?” 

Aaron grins at him, pulls him in for a quick messy kiss before he pulls away.

“Of course I do.” 

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos much appreciated. a huge thank you to @beautifulhugh on tumblr, who beta'd and helped me throughout. 
> 
> come and find me on tumblr @escapingreality51


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